Archive

Aug 11

Internet Dating and Fraud- 419 Scamming

By KerryNo Comments

This week, Charlotte our Customer Care Supervisor, explains what a ‘419 scam’ is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is a 419 Scam?

419 represents a type of scam typically used by Nigerian scam artists. The most common tactics used for this type of scam include:

- Romance Scam- the 419er has fallen madly in love with the target but in order for them to be together, the target must send various amounts of money so that the 419er can fly over and be with them

- Will Scam- the 419er has inherited a large amount of money which they are offering to the target for a certain fee

- Disaster Scam- the 419er says that someone has been killed in a tragic accident, leaving a large sum of money behind which can be claimed by the target if the 419er can be advanced the monies necessary to process the transaction

- Chat Room Scam- the 419er meets the target online in a chat room or through a dating or instant messenger online service, befriends the target, and gets the target to advance him / her monies for various reasons

All of the above scam tactics are used daily in the internet dating world…but surely the public don’t fall for these tricks, do they???

Yes they do – in fact 8,503 cases have been reported across 152 countries in 2009 alone. This adds up to a whopping $9.3 billion (£5.7 billion).

Luckily for us we have our trusty in-house Moderation team who fight off the scammers 7 days a week to keep our members safe. Hooray!

The team consists of 4 full-timers and 7 part-timers who ensure that all scammers are removed from our sites before making contact with any members. They have been trained to pick up on everything from “scammerish” photos and sob stories, down to their grammar and jargon. We seldom see scammers pass our Moderation checks but if they do manage, we will always find them through various daily fraud checks.

Having a moderation team means that our members can browse the site and build online relationships without the added worry of being targeted by scammers. We do love a happy ending :-)

May 11

Online Dating. Don’t Take It Personal!

By KerryNo Comments

That headline seems ridiculous, right? I mean, what is dating if not extremely, completely, horrendously, desperately personal? How can you go about searching for the one person that makes your heart feel whole without getting at least a little bit personal?

It seems weird, but when it comes to looking for love online, you need to remember that it’s not about you — at least not for awhile. Most of us who’ve dipped even a toe into the tepid waters of online dating have felt at certain times that maybe we’re just not made for computer-based romance. We’re not photogenic enough or we just can’t write, our icebreakers keep getting rejected and our winks are never returned.

If you happen to be one of the thousands who aren’t having success on the dating sites, you should definitely consider tweaking your profile and having a friend take some pictures that show off your good side. But once you’ve done that, you need to keep in mind that your digital dry spell is probably temporary. Anyone who’s tried out one of the many dating sites knows that luck tends to ebb and flow like the member pool. But most importantly, when someone flakes out on you or makes it clear that they don’t share your feelings of attraction, you need to not take it personally.

The truth is, you can’t possibly know why that person isn’t interested. Maybe they hate dogs and you have a boxer. Maybe they’re intimidated by your intellectual prowess and professional success. Or maybe they just met someone and want to see where it goes. No matter what, it ultimately has very little to do with you. And while we’re all tempted to decide that it’s our massive forehead and clown-like ears, the more likely scenario is that they had something else going on … or they just weren’t your type anyway.

Nov 16

How to dump someone

By KerryNo Comments

We have all been dumped at some point and it feels like the end of the world. Here at Matchmeup we have brought to you the top 10 ways that people get dumped and some of them are not very nice……anyway if this ever happens to you then Matchmeup can help you find new love with just a few clicks.

Face to face
Firstly, I should make clear that in a serious relationship, I would always conduct this nasty business in person. And maybe in a casual relationship too, if forced…

Pros: Instant right to reply for the dumpee.
Cons: You are vulnerable to the threat of tears and possible violence.

Ignoring
This very common tactic involves blanking your lover until they work out that it’s over. At first, they will send lots of texts and mails. Eventually, they will give up.

Pros: You never have to officially dump them.
Cons: They will never know for sure why you stopped contacting them; they may even think you are dead.

Text/email
The fastest, simplest and by far most popular method of ending a casual fling is to fire off a carefully-worded message. Almost everyone has received – or dished out – some form of electronic dumping. But killjoys deem it impolite.

Pros: Fits in perfectly with a fast-paced modern lifestyle.
Cons: The victim could receive the message at an unfortunate moment, such as during an important business meeting or while they’re having a really good time at Alton Towers.

Letter
I suppose this was considered the text dumping of its day. But now it seems slightly more classy and respectful. At least you’re paying for a stamp.

Pros: Old-fashioned and somehow romantic. Your jilted lover can keep itforever as a memento of how much of a berk you are.
Cons: You have to pay for a stamp.

Facebook
The ’relationship status’ option on Facebook is the best way of keeping up-to-date with your friends’ love lives… so why not your own too? Just change your status and your newly-dumped ex will receive the news straight to their Wall.

Pros: For you, it’s painless. Just the simple click of a button.
Cons: Your ex will be furious and may retaliate by announcing to Facebook that you have a small willy.

Note
This is similar to the letter but less comprehensive. It could be piece of paper through the letterbox or a Post-it note stuck to their box of Alpen. The key is the brevity.

Pros: Everyone likes receiving little notes, it’s fun.
Cons: You’d have to pick a strategic time to leave the note, otherwise you could get caught and end up in a face-to-face situation.

Via someone else
This only generally happens when you are under the age of 15. It happened to me once in my school lunch break while I was queuing up in Dixy Fried Chicken and it was brutal.

Pros: If they cry, you don’t have to see it.
Cons: Not acceptable behaviour if you are an adult.

In public
At a Birmingham City football match last weekend, a fan proposed to his girlfriend on the pitch. So why not do the opposite and announce to the world your decision to end it? Maybe the announcer could do it when they read out the birthdays. Or you could request a shout-out on your lover’s favourite radio station.

Pros: This could be her 15 seconds of fame.
Cons: Live broadcasting is unpredictable and they may omit your dedication.

Don’t tell them
Tell your friends and family you’ve split up, chat people up in bars, go online dating, stop having sex – essentially, become single. Just don’t tell your partner about it.

Pros: Awkward dumping conversation avoided.
Cons: There’s a high chance they will eventually find out you have stopped going out with them and then bad things will happen.

Phone call
As for me, I opted against all these methods and called her. I semi-rehearsed what I was going to say; my main aim was to avoid clichés such as “it’s not you, it’s me” and not to panic and tell her I was gay. I bumbled through it awkwardly, using the phrase “I really like you but…” more than once (it was true though). And although she went a bit quiet, the conversation ended on fairly amicable terms. I didn’t feel great, but I felt like slightly less of an arsehole than if I’d used the methods above.

Pros: Makes you feel like an adult.
Cons: Scary.

Oct 18

Top 10 Male Habits that are keeping you single

By KerryNo Comments

Being single is great – but only if you want to be. It’s not so much fun when you’re fed up with dinner for one and can’t understand why no-one wants to go out with you. What’s keeping you unattached while everyone else gets loved up? Here are 10 habits that could be to blame.

1. Lechery

It’s fine to think about sex a lot. It’s just about workable to think about sex all the time. But it’s neither fine nor workable to talk about sex all the time. The more that you let those naughty thoughts form themselves into words, the less luck you’re going to have with women.

Just to complicate things, you don’t even have to think or talk about sex to come across as lecherous. You just need to flirt too much. The least attractive men at a party are the ones who flirt with every woman there, in the hope of getting off with one of them. To make a woman fall for you, make her feel like the only woman in the room.

However, do it carefully: paying the wrong kind of compliment can make you sound like a proper sleazebag. “The wrong kind of compliment means” anything unimaginative that’s purely to do with her appearance. If you walk up to a woman you’ve never met before and tell her she’s the most gorgeous creature in the room, you sound like a lech. Tell her she’s got lovely elbows, and you’ve scored. I know, life is weird and unfair.

By the way, your fart jokes are the opposite of sexy. Just so you know.

2. Signal blindness

If a woman is giving you the right signals, she assumes that you’re reading loud and clear. If you dither, you’ve lost her. When a woman you’ve never met before asks if you’d like a drink, she is actually saying: “I’m looking for a man-sized hot water bottle, and I wondered if you’d volunteer?” Do NOT lose your opportunity.

Brush up your body language fluency, too. If she meets your eye for a heartbeat longer than necessary, she’s telling you that she’s interested – and if you don’t send back a corresponding signal, she’ll assume that you don’t want to know. So get out there and meet a woman’s eye for a second or two. If you look away, look back and catch her looking again, you’re in.

3. Shallowness

Are you the kind of man who notices when a woman has gained five pounds over Christmas, and is put off by a solitary jawbone zit? Get over yourself. No wonder you haven’t got a girlfriend, you shallow toad.

4. Commitment-phobia

You are a cliché made flesh, and you are a man made of a thousand bad excuses. So you don’t want to get into a relationship because you’re scared of getting hurt. You don’t want to get married because your parents had a nasty divorce. You don’t want to move in together because the magic will be gone.

Look, we all have those fears – women as well as men. But you can’t cling onto them and then go round moaning that you’re still single. If you want a relationship, be a man and eat your fears.

5. Desperation

Giving a woman your attention will pay dividends, but don’t invade her personal space. If a woman you’re talking to turns to talk to her friend, or goes off to the loo or the bar without saying “I’ll be back,” she’s trying to shake you off. Do not, for the love of God, wait for her outside the loo.

Ringing her on the way home from your first date is a way of invading her personal space with your voice alone. Creepy.

6. Slobbiness

Clothes maketh the man. What you’re wearing reveals a lot about you to the women in the room, such as whether you can operate a washing machine.

Being able to read a clock is another handy skill. It’s fine to run five minutes late for a date, as long as you text to let her know. It’s almost more polite than being on time, because it gives her a chance to catch her breath. However, turning up 10 or more minutes late without explanation makes you look rude before you’ve even uttered a word. You’re strangling all your relationships at birth.

7. Bragging

No woman will be impressed if you brag about your job, your travels or whatever. The way to impress a woman is to let her brag about herself, and to be fascinated.

8. Pack hunting

Men who go sharking with their mates are men who come home again with their mates, only drunker. If you want to come home with a woman, you need to hunt alone.

On a similar note, when you’re dating a woman, don’t take her on a date to the place where you’re likely to be accosted by friends who are shouting and smelling of beer.

9. Mobile phone addiction

Answering your mobile is one of the rudest things you can do on a first date. Your companion will sit there feeling less and less important with every word you bark into your phone. Switch the thing off when you arrive.

10. Kisslexia

You may be achingly gorgeous and possessed of brilliant conversational wit, but if you’re a bad kisser you won’t be attractive to women. Slobbering over her face, licking her chin, sucking her lips, deep-throating with your tongue… women hate being kissed this way, and most men over the age of 13 know this. Now if you’ll excuse us, we need to go and think about something less icky.

Oct 10

Top 10 Female habits that keep you single.

By KerryNo Comments
Women, 10 habits that are keeping you single

Being single is great – but only if you want to be. It’s not so much fun when you’re fed up with dinner for one and can’t understand why no-one wants to go out with you. What’s keeping you unattached while everyone else gets loved up? Here are 10 habits that could be to blame.

1. First-move phobia

Being born male does not gift men with unassailable self-confidence. Men know that they’re supposed to do the running, and they hate it. If you want a date, go and chat him up. He’ll be too delighted to say anything other than “wow, yes!”

By the way, making eye contact with a guy is not the same as “making a move.” Eye contact, no matter how flirtatious you think it is, won’t get you very far unless you accompany it with “hello.”

2. Playing hard to get

If you want a man to be interested in you, be interested in him. It works, because all human beings are egomaniacs at heart. Treating ‘em mean only makes ‘em go and find someone else.

You know when someone’s trying to ask you out, so don’t come over all coy in the misguided belief that it’ll make you more alluring. If a handsome stranger asks, “are you all right for a drink?”, he is interested. Don’t just nod, blush, and run away expecting him to follow you. If you find him attractive, accept his offer and strike up a conversation.

When you’ve been on a date, don’t be scared to pick up the phone. Whoever told you to wait for three days (or whatever random number of days) before returning a phone call is an idiot. No man wants a stalker, but letting him know you’re interested is the way to win his heart.

3. Romantic perfectionism

If you wait around for love at first sight, you may be waiting for a very long time. Lust at first sight happens all the time, but it ain’t love until you’ve shared a bathroom. Don’t wait around for that thunderbolt of first-glance love, because you’ll be waiting – and single – for a very long time indeed.

If you have a very narrow idea of your “ideal man”, you may never find someone who lives up to your fantasy. Here’s a revolutionary idea: try a man who’s completely different from your ideal. You may end up surprised – and a lot less single.

4. Appearance insecurity

Don’t ruin your social life by cancelling plans every time you get a zit that no man will ever notice because he’s too busy looking at your breasts or (if he was brought up very well, your eyes). Avoid wearing too much make-up, too. The natural look is much more appealing to men than a trowelling of slap. Too much facepaint makes you look desperate, and that’s never a good look when you’re trying to impress.

Similarly, don’t let your waistline fixation spoil a romantic meal. A tasty dessert shared with your date could seal the deal on your evening, and it’s unlikely to make a difference to your weight unless you have a date every night this week.

5. Bad man-choices

Fear of being single often drives you to accept dates – and more dates – with men you don’t really fancy. Trouble is, while you’re wasting precious time with Mr OK-I-Suppose, you could be out finding Mr Right.

Or do you head straight past Mr OK-I-Suppose and hand your precious breakable heart to Mr Toxic? He comes in many guises: the serial online dating addict who never takes his profile down; the self-esteem leech who can’t stop criticising; the rebounder who uses you as a cushion after his break-up… they grab women’s hearts, take them on a romantic rollercoaster ride for a few weeks, then smash those hearts to pieces. One minute you’re dizzy with lust, the next you’re devastated. And very, very single.

6. Low tiff tolerance

Do you run away from a relationship as soon as the going gets slightly shouty? While we’d never advocate hanging onto an unhappy relationship, do remember that no relationship can be perfectly happy all the time. Boyfriends are not perfect, relationships are not perfect, and the road to happiness is strewn with ups and downs.

7. Ex-talk

No really, do not mention your ex on a date. Perhaps you were with him for years and he plays a walk-on part in all your anecdotes, but you must break the ex-namecheck habit if you’re to impress a potential lover. Even a passing mention of your previous man suggests that you haven’t moved on.

8. Sofa-hugging

The guy you’re hoping to meet doesn’t live under your sideboard, so if you want a relationship you’re going to have to get out and start meeting people. Maybe you’re constantly tired or ridiculously busy at work, but if you want a relationship, you need to make time for a social life.

9. Desperation

Men can smell your desperation from half a mile away. If you feel the need to ring him up on your way home from your first date, it had better be to answer his missed call.

10. Relationship resistance

Are you happy, fulfilled and busy with your work, home and friends? Do you find that the occasional fling satisfies your need for lust and male attention? Congratulations, you have a great life – now stop reading articles about why you’re still single! Not everyone is cut out to be one half of a couple, and a relationship is not a compulsory element of a happy life. If you keep dipping a toe into dating but never quite feel comfortable with it, perhaps you’re better off single after all.

Sep 12

Signs that your relationship is over

By KerryNo Comments

Relationships, like hot summers, often look better from a distance. Just as you forget how draining a muggy day can feel, you also forget how soul-destroying and lonely a relationship can feel when it’s not going well.

“So just end it,” right? It’s never as simple as that. Most of us have experienced that dilemma of not knowing whether to walk away from a relationship. You think that you’re being too picky, you worry that no-one else will love you this much, you don’t want to hurt someone you care about, you fear regretting it and not being able to win them back. You’ve stayed in relationships for those reasons, right? Yep, so have we.

But these alone aren’t good enough reasons to stay in a relationship that isn’t working. Ending a relationship can be heartbreaking, even if you’re dying to get away. The blissful future that you’d imagined when you first got together is now not going to happen. Thing is, is you’re unhappy, that blissful future wasn’t going to happen anyway.

If you’re experiencing a few of these 20 signs regularly, it may be time to move on. It will be difficult, but ultimately it’ll be the right thing for you both. Life is too short (and your partner’s life is too short) to waste valuable years on a pairing that’s going nowhere.

1. You’re always craving time alone

It’d be weird and needy to want your partner by your side every minute of every day. It’s normal to look forward to some time alone. But if you’re craving me-time and wish that he or she wasn’t around, it’s clear that your relationship is giving you more frustration than joy.

2. You don’t go out together any more

Even if you’re living together, you should never stop going on dates together. A successful relationship is based on more than sex and silently watching the telly together.

3. You prefer seeing your friends to seeing your partner

A good relationship involves socialising with and without your other half. Not wishing that you lived with your housemates again rather than your lover.

4. You’ve stopped having sex

Sex drive can dip for many reasons, including stress or medication. But if you just stop fancying your partner, and sex becomes a chore or stops altogether, listen to your alarm bells.

5. You’ve stopped touching each other

Touching isn’t just about sex, it’s about affection and togetherness. Casual touching, hugging and holding hands are the signs of a healthy relationship with two people who still fancy each other. If you flinch when he or she brushes against you, it really is time to get out.

6. You’ve stopped kissing

Passionate kissing is emotionally more intimate than sex, so it’s often the first thing to go when two people start drifting apart. If you want to kiss each other but just haven’t got round to it for a while, pucker up. If you don’t enjoy it, see above.

7. They no longer make you laugh

Their witty lines once made tea came out of your nose. These days you just wish they’d shut up. Why are you still with them, pray tell?

8. You don’t chat

Chatting – about trivia, what’s in the news or what happened at work – is the bedrock of a good relationship. When you stop talking to each other about the little things, it’s a sign that you don’t see each other as friends any more.

9. You’re always nit-picking

If you’re constantly bothered by their coffee-slurping, their taste in pants and everything they do, you’re not in love, you’re in a constant state of “argh”. That’s not trivial: it’s the kind of everyday stress that can damage your health.

10. They’re always nit-picking

If your partner seems constantly irritated by you, it suggests that they’re not happy or even comfortable around you. They may be wanting out, but haven’t the courage to bring up the subject. If he or she makes you feel that you can’t do anything right, do you really want to be around this person?

11. You do all the chores

Every long-term couple has disagreements about housework and other chores, but the squabbles usually end in vague equality or compromise. If your partner treats you like a doormat, show them the door.

12. You don’t care about your appearance

Love doesn’t mean letting yourself go. If you no longer care about whether he or she fancies you or not, it spells trouble for your sex life – and your relationship.

13. Red letter days are forgotten

Anniversaries, Valentine’s Day and so on may seem trivial, but a loving couple will acknowledge them in some way, even if it’s with a scribbled note saying “V-Day is rubbish, let’s spend it in bed.” Once you forget each other’s birthdays, your relationship is so far past its sell-by date that even a dog wouldn’t eat it.

14. You’re doing all the giving (or all the getting)

Most relationships go through stages where one person is more emotionally and sexually generous than the other, but the imbalance should not be more or less permanent. Parasites don’t make good partners.

15. You’ve stopped liking yourself

A lover is not supposed to make you feel unloved, unattractive and unable to be yourself. If yours does, get out and stop letting them sap your spirit.

16. Your friends think they’re bad for you

Your friends know you best, and they’ll say what they think if it’s for your benefit. If they think your partner is no good, listen. They’ll be there for you when he or she isn’t.

17. You compare them with other men or women

It’s natural to find other people attractive, but not to compare your lover unfavourably with every person who catches your eye.

18. You look up your exes

It’s fine to be friends with exes, and it shows maturity. But if you seek out and flirt with an ex, then you arrange to meet up with them, and find yourself wondering “what if…?”, your current relationship is doomed.

19. You wish they’d change

Once the rose-tinted early months have passed, mismatched personalities become more obvious. You can’t change your partner into someone better suited to you. Instead, find someone who’s already your perfect match.

20. You say “I love you” but don’t mean it

Do you feel a little knot of guilt whenever you say it, as though you’re lying? Do you only say it to make them shut up and go away? Then stop saying it, and start spending more time with someone you really love – starting with yourself.

Sep 11

How to know when your in love

By KerryNo Comments

So you’ve met someone new, and you’ve fallen head over hook, line and sinker for them. You can’t finish “hello” before ripping their clothes off. Your cheeks are so pink they’re visible from space.

It must be love! Or is it? If you recognise more than a few of these signs, chances are it’s the real thing – and you may just be in it for the long haul.

1. You chuck out your old relationship souvenirs

For years, you hoarded ticket stubs from concerts and days out with your ex. Then you fall in love, and suddenly all these souvenirs are just tat that’s cluttering up your space. So, if nothing else, falling in love makes you more tidy.

2. Your ex announces their engagement, and you don’t care

What’s more, you fail to understand what you ever saw in them. And as for sleeping with them… what were you thinking?

3. You’re no longer shy around your former crush

You used to be a quivering wreck when your office’s payroll assistant entered the room. These days, you barely notice them.

When you’re in love, your partner becomes infinitely more attractive than any other person on the planet. Yes, even Cheryl Cole.

4. You aren’t put off by physical imperfections

Lust is far more fragile than love. Here’s an example. If your lust-object arrives for a date with a big green crusty lump sticking out of their nose, your attraction will disappear in an instant.

But if you’re falling in love, you won’t be put off. You’ll feel protective. You’ll rub your nose and hope that they mirror you… and hey presto, problem solved. Ain’t love grand?

5. You show them where you grew up

It may seem an odd choice of weekend adventure, but love means wanting to show them where you’re from. “That’s my old school, that’s where I had my paper round, that’s where I puked up my dad’s home-brew…”

6.  You tell them your plans – big and small

Whether it’s babbling about your world-travel dreams or asking them to help make the shopping list, you include your lover in your plans because they’re part of your life.

7. You wonder where “we” should go on holiday

Even if it means compromising your idea of the perfect holiday or putting up with their mum’s brussels sprouts.

8. You’re thrilled by a joint invite to a family wedding

Partly because you’re happy that family and friends treat you two as a unit. And partly because you want your wingman beside you when the boredom sets in at 10pm in the church hall.

9. You show them off

When you’re falling for someone, you want to include them in your social life and show them off to your friends. However…

10. You’re happy doing nothing together

Ultimately it’s not about being a couple on a social stage, but just about being two people together. Just going for a walk together sounds like the perfect afternoon.

11. You join their photography class

You want to know what make your lover tick – and you want them to see that you’re showing an interest.

12. You ring them to moan about work

When they’re the first person you want to talk to about what a class-A berk the boss is today, it’s because you think they’re a keeper. (Your lover, not the boss.)

13. You take their kids out for lunch

If your other half has children from a previous partner, your relationship with the kids is a barometer of your future as a couple. And if you’re in love, you’ll try your hardest to get along with them.

Try not to let it stress you out. If you and the kids can be relaxed in each other’s company, you’re onto a long-term winner.

14. You aren’t afraid to argue

Couples don’t agree all the time. If you’re in lust, you don’t care about standing up for yourself – it’s more trouble than it’s worth.

But when you’re in love, you want to put your point across. Speaking up shows that you’re secure enough to question what your lover says or does.

However…

15. You feel terrible when you argue

You wouldn’t be half as upset about a row with anyone else. Here’s why…

16. You care more about their happiness than your own

You feel bad when your other half isn’t happy, so arguments are a double whammy of emotional trauma.

On the bright side, it shows that you’re really in love. You’re no longer looking after number one all the time. Instead, you want your partner to be OK.

17. You don’t mind saving if you’re usually a spend-thrift

Our money habits are deeply entrenched, but love motivates you to make an exception.

For example, if you’ve spent your adult life being unwilling to save up for anything dearer than a haircut, love could suddenly make you want to save a deposit on a flat.

Likewise…

18. You don’t mind splashing out if you’re usually frugal

If you’re suddenly willing to splash out on a luxury holiday together, it shows how important they are to you.

But it’s not about changing the real you. If you’re usually more comfortable being a saver, love won’t change that. It just means you’re less rigid about it. Which brings us to…

19. You risk being yourself

Of all the love-signs on this list, this is the big cheese.

When you’re infatuated or in lust with someone, you edit yourself to fit what you think they want. You might dress to suit them, or hide the fact that you don’t have much in common with their friends.

But when you’re in love with someone, you want your other half to know and like the person you really are.

It’s a risk, of course. Certain incompatibilities may come to the fore. But you know that you can’t be happy for long if you’re faking it.

This isn’t an excuse to be stubborn or tactless. “Being yourself” does not mean sticking rigidly to habits, or telling your lover that their CD collection is crap. A bit of flexibility works wonders.

May 31

Dating A Single Parent.

By Kerry1 Comment

Single parent dating tips have to address issues that people without children don’t ever have to worry about. Let’s face it – being a single parent is pretty difficult at times to begin with. Throw trying to establish a special adult relationship into the mix and you’ve got lots of complications. I’ve put together some single parent dating tips that can help simplify things so that you can relax and enjoy dating again.

Explaining it to Your Kids.
When you are going out on a date, let your kids know that you’re going out with a friend. It’s a simple, honest explanation. Especially with younger kids, no more details are needed; if they ask who the friend is, simply say that it is someone from work, a friend of your neighbour, or whoever it is. Don’t try to explain too much – simpler is better.

Avoiding Resentment.
Don’t introduce your children to someone you’re dating until you’re pretty sure the relationship is going somewhere. Meeting several different people over time will only confuse them, and they may come to resent your dating anyone at all.

Introduce Your New Friend Slowly.
Once you’re ready to introduce your significant other to your children, do so slowly. The first time, it should be simply ice cream or perhaps some time in the park. Gradually allow more time with the kids and include them on some appropriate “family dates.”

Your Children Come First.
Here is a very important single parent dating tip: make it clear from the beginning that your children will come first in any situation. If this seems to be a problem for anyone you’re seeing, it’s time to stop the relationship. Any man or woman who is jealous of your children isn’t a good bet for a relationship.

Your Commitments Come First.
If you’re a single parent who only sees his children every other weekend or a similar schedule, make this clear. Tell someone you are dating that you won’t be available on those weekends, and stick to it until you’re ready to have everyone get together. This reassures your children and gives the person you’re dating an idea of the commitment involved in dating someone with children.

Don’t Move Too Quickly.
If you allow your kids to get close to someone early on, only to break up with them a few months later, they will end up hurt and confused. This is especially essential if you’re just starting to date again or if you’ve recently divorced.

Listen to Your Kids.
Once your children have met someone you’re dating, listen to their input. (A dating tip I got from a lot of single parents). This doesn’t mean axing your social life if your son or daughter says, “I don’t want you to date anymore,” without a good explanation. However, if he or she says they really don’t like him because he yells at them, doesn’t pay attention to them or just makes them uncomfortable, listen. Discuss the concerns with your companion, watch how he or she interacts with your children and put some real thought into the situation.

Don’t Parade Your Date in Front of an Ex.
It may be tempting to let your ex know that you’ve moved on, but it’s unfair to use a date as a weapon. Your children will no doubt mention that you’re dating when they are with their other parent, and that’s fine. Don’t ask them to keep it a secret or they will feel like you are doing something wrong. Simply let things take their course, and answer their questions honestly.

Reassure Your Children.
Reassure your children that dating someone is completely separate from your love for them. Explain the importance of having a special adult in your life, but that it doesn’t diminish your feelings for them.

These single parent dating tips won’t guarantee completely smooth sailing, but it will make the process less confusing for everyone concerned.

May 21

How To Spot A Gold Digger!

By Kerry1 Comment

1. Understand what a gold digger is, and is not.

There’s nothing wrong with a person being concerned about your financial stability. A long-term partnership means depending on each other through the ups and downs, and being financially reliable does help with that to a degree. The difference between a gold digger and someone who values your role as a provider is that the gold digger would deride and perhaps leave you if you lost your ability to provide for them financially. A good person can appreciate your financial resources, but a gold digger appreciates only that, and will not see the relationship as worthwhile if you’re not well off. And remember a Gold digger is usually associated with a female but it’s also men who scour for wealthy women too.

2. Gold diggers drop hints that they’re having trouble paying their bills (sometimes they might even ask you directly for a “loan” to tide them over).

They know that you don’t want to see them get an eviction notice, or get their car repossessed, and you’re a good person who’s in a position to help. But there’s a difference between a gold digger and someone who’s just fallen on bad times. What you should be looking for is if, despite their situation, this person is making poor financial decisions for example spending money on luxury items such as new clothes or expensive restaurants.

3. When they discuss their financial woes, suggest ways in which the suspected gold digger can make money fast.

When you mention the possibility of them selling their luxury car, video console, guitar, diamond bracelet, or any other expensive item that could keep them from becoming homeless or having their utilities cut off or car repossessed, how do they respond? The average person will be saddened and may even become angry or upset, but a gold digger will be appalled at the very idea that they should have to give up their prized possessions in order to meet their own basic needs. They’ll treat the idea as ludicrous.

4. Look for a sense of entitlement.

Gold diggers feel that they deserve to be treated well, and that includes knowing that someone is willing to spend money on them. Have you noticed unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment? This sense of entitlement is one of the symptoms of narcissistic behaviour, which has other symptoms that a potential gold digger might harbour:

  • grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
  • preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
  • believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
  • requires excessive admiration
  • lacks empathy, is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
  • often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

5. Ask them meaningful questions.

  • What is the best gift they’ve ever gotten? Gold diggers will almost always cite an expensive, material object, not a uniquely personal and thoughtful gift.
  • What’s the biggest thing you ever had to give up to get something you really wanted? What you’re searching for here is evidence of delayed gratification – the ability to give up something now so that you can achieve something greater, later. Gold diggers are notoriously spoiled or sheltered, and have never had to really wait, work, or struggle for what they want because somehow, someone was always there to help.

6. See what questions they ask you.

Certain questions which might seem harmless might really be an attempt to judge your ability to provide. None of these questions, alone, should get you worried but all of them on the first date should definitely send up a red flag:

  • How much do you make a year? Why would she/he ask this question? Because a gold digger is a mobile calculator, therefore every question that relates to money is calculated to determine the percentage of the total amount that she/he believes she/he “deserves”.
  • Are you a homeowner? And what type of car do you drive? They are trying to determine your overall worth and whether being with you is a profitable investment for them.
  • How many kids do you have? Your answer to the question will help her/him determine (calculate) much of your income and attention goes to your children and how much time you can devote to her/him. A gold digger is a needy individual that will take up a lot of your money, time and energy.

7. Search for signs of generosity and gratitude towards you.

After having gone on several dates, has this person ever offered to pay? When you do pay, does he or she say thank you? Do they ever offer to help you in other ways? (And no, physical intimacy doesn’t count); do they cook you dinner when you’ve been out working late? Fix your computer? Run an errand for you when your schedule’s especially tight? If these character traits are missing, is this really someone you want to get involved with? A person doesn’t develop gratitude and generosity overnight…

8. Indulge in a pipe dream.

A pipe dream is basically a long shot. Take one of your childhood fantasies and run with it. Tell the person you’re dating that you’re thinking about becoming the mechanic, farmer, supermodel, writer, [insert dream career here] you’ve always wanted to be. Explain how if you were to ever do this, it would require a significant lifestyle change; you’d have to go back to school, relocate, or whatever would make it clear that your standard of living will go down dramatically. How does this person respond? Do they seem concerned? That’s normal. A good person will encourage you to follow your dreams while simultaneously helping you think of ways to do it practically and responsibly. A gold digger will look horrified or disgusted and say things like “You’re not really serious, are you?” OR they are ready to call it quits and leave because you are paying attention to “you” instead of “them”.

9. Watch yourself.

It feels good to help people, whether you just helped someone avoid becoming homeless, or you’re helping an aspiring artist or entrepreneur launch his or her career, but you have to be careful that you don’t fall into a pattern where your help become the norm, so much so that without your financial assistance, the relationship would crumble. If you’re the kind of person who has trouble saying “no”, or who is intensely sympathetic and compassionate, you’re more likely to bump into a gold digger.

10. Listen to the types of questions you are asked.

Even seemingly innocuous questions like “What do you do?” and “Where do you live?” can be loaded questions, asked in an attempt to ascertain your net worth and lifestyle. In any case, do not answer these questions directly – but start out by explaining your life story. What things happened to you as a child/teenager that shaped the life you live today? A person truly interested in who you are will listen intently and ask questions of a more personal nature – whereas a gold digger will not have the patience to get to know you first; they will only want to find out your current financial position before investing any time in you.

Mar 04

Reasons to avoid free dating sites.

By Kerry11 Comments

100 percent free online dating sites have both pros and cons. Everyone has heard of these dating sites by now, and how they can benefit those who seek a friend, a companion, a short term sexual encounter or a long term romance and marriage. Some 100 percent free online dating sites don’t do enough, however, to screen out the predators, and often welcome or turn their back on their knowledge that there are married people and other undesirables posing as singles looking for dates. Some 100 percent free online dating sites are specifically designed with cheating spouses in mind.

Online dating, whether 100 percent free dating sites or not, can offer the shy, the busy, the newly unattached, and those who can’t easily travel to public gathering places the opportunity to meet potential partners in a less threatening and more focused environment. Those are the pros. The cons are that online dating, especially the 100 percent free dating sites, give predators and undesirables the opportunity to disguise their identities and their less than honest intentions behind the anonymous wall of the Internet.

100 percent free online dating sites are much more prevalent than they were five or ten years ago, and as happens with any service or product, once the competition sets in the price goes down and the offer enhances. Many online dating sites, even the 100 percent free ones, now provide not only profiles and photos of others looking for that special someone, but also guide you through defining your personality, your perfect mate, and then bring the two of you together in a regimented format of anonymity, email with identification, phone conversation and then finally face to face meeting, if and when the time seems right.

Geography is no longer an obstacle to romance with online dating sites. Many online daters search for their mates this way because they travel so often and are so seldom in one place. They search for others who are in like situations or able to tolerate such frequently long distance partnerships.

Paying is not necessarily bad – depending on the cost, of course. In some ways the fact that an online dating site is 100 percent free can actually be a con rather than a pro. While free can increase the volume, it also increases the likelihood of dishonest predators and married people hiding their marital status. It also increases the likelihood that business people will join only for the opportunity to sell you their book on dating, or their sexy lingerie and so forth.

Like anything else, if it’s free it will attract more unsavoury folks than similar products for which there is a charge.

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