So how do you use this new feature

When you click onto someones profile you will see on the main profile image three buttons Yes Maybe or No. If you click Yes or Maybe then the other person will receive a notification that you are interested, if they then respond with the same vote for you then you know your in with a chance.

Once you have voted on a main profile you will see another ‘Link’ appear just above the three buttons which says ‘Want to rate other members?’ click the link and it will take you through to another page like the one below.

Again you can vote Yes No or Maybe and if the member has more then one photo then you can click on the small thumbnails to see the larger image. If you vote No on a profile thats fine the other person will never find out unless you tell them….If for any reason your to fast on that mouse button and click No by mistake don’t worry the image will pass to the left and there will be a link that reads ‘You said No..Have you changed your mind?’ if so just click the link and the photo will move back to the main box and you can vote again. You will also see on the right hand side the next image profile that you can vote on and at the bottom any members that have voted for you.

So what are you waiting for login to your account now and get voting to find your Match!

Kerry x

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (in a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead…

6. Try breathing through your nose

7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out

11. Person 1: This is your first time… right?
Person 2: Yeah… today

12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

16. On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.

17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober…

21. (holding a banana) It’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth…

27. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You’re good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel…

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance…

47. No, really… I do this part better myself!

48. It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people..

50. You’re almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel

54. Perhaps you’re just out of practice

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They’re not cracker crumbs, it’s just a rash

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you…

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession…

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You’ll stil vote for me, won’t you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I’ll tell you who I’m fanatasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about…

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please

78. I think biting is romantic- don’t you?

79. You can cook, too right?

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like…
Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen “Fatal Attraction”?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I’m not very good with names

84. Don’t mind me.. I always file my nails in bed

85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn’t forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don’t worry, my dog’s really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don’t do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you’re enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper…

92. I’ll bet you didn’t know I work for “The Enquirer”

93. So that’s why they call you MR. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I’ve slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend’s turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses…

99. Please understand that I’m only doing this for a raise…

100. How long do you plan to be “almost there”?

101. You mean you’re NOT my blind date?

01 Things Not To Say During Sex

]]> http://matchmeup.co.uk/blog/2011/08/101-things-not-to-say-during-sex/feed/ 0 http://matchmeup.co.uk/blog/2011/08/internet-dating-and-fraud-419-scamming/ http://matchmeup.co.uk/blog/2011/08/internet-dating-and-fraud-419-scamming/#comments Thu, 11 Aug 2011 13:07:40 +0000 Kerry http://matchmeup.co.uk/blog/?p=239 This week, Charlotte our Customer Care Supervisor, explains what a ‘419 scam’ is.

What is a 419 Scam?

419 represents a type of scam typically used by Nigerian scam artists. The most common tactics used for this type of scam include:

- Romance Scam- the 419er has fallen madly in love with the target but in order for them to be together, the target must send various amounts of money so that the 419er can fly over and be with them

- Will Scam- the 419er has inherited a large amount of money which they are offering to the target for a certain fee

- Disaster Scam- the 419er says that someone has been killed in a tragic accident, leaving a large sum of money behind which can be claimed by the target if the 419er can be advanced the monies necessary to process the transaction

- Chat Room Scam- the 419er meets the target online in a chat room or through a dating or instant messenger online service, befriends the target, and gets the target to advance him / her monies for various reasons

All of the above scam tactics are used daily in the internet dating world…but surely the public don’t fall for these tricks, do they???

Yes they do – in fact 8,503 cases have been reported across 152 countries in 2009 alone. This adds up to a whopping $9.3 billion (£5.7 billion).

Luckily for us we have our trusty in-house Moderation team who fight off the scammers 7 days a week to keep our members safe. Hooray!

The team consists of 4 full-timers and 7 part-timers who ensure that all scammers are removed from our sites before making contact with any members. They have been trained to pick up on everything from “scammerish” photos and sob stories, down to their grammar and jargon. We seldom see scammers pass our Moderation checks but if they do manage, we will always find them through various daily fraud checks.

Having a moderation team means that our members can browse the site and build online relationships without the added worry of being targeted by scammers. We do love a happy ending

It seems weird, but when it comes to looking for love online, you need to remember that it’s not about you — at least not for awhile. Most of us who’ve dipped even a toe into the tepid waters of online dating have felt at certain times that maybe we’re just not made for computer-based romance. We’re not photogenic enough or we just can’t write, our icebreakers keep getting rejected and our winks are never returned.

If you happen to be one of the thousands who aren’t having success on the dating sites, you should definitely consider tweaking your profile and having a friend take some pictures that show off your good side. But once you’ve done that, you need to keep in mind that your digital dry spell is probably temporary. Anyone who’s tried out one of the many dating sites knows that luck tends to ebb and flow like the member pool. But most importantly, when someone flakes out on you or makes it clear that they don’t share your feelings of attraction, you need to not take it personally.

The truth is, you can’t possibly know why that person isn’t interested. Maybe they hate dogs and you have a boxer. Maybe they’re intimidated by your intellectual prowess and professional success. Or maybe they just met someone and want to see where it goes. No matter what, it ultimately has very little to do with you. And while we’re all tempted to decide that it’s our massive forehead and clown-like ears, the more likely scenario is that they had something else going on … or they just weren’t your type anyway.

There are so many different types of compliments that you can give your date. You will find that the best ones are the ones that seem genuine and like you actually believe them. You need to make sure that you take the time to think of the compliments that you want to give before you go doling them out to people.

Compliment Appearance

Everybody likes to hear that they look attractive. Just make sure that the type of compliment that you give to your date isn’t too general where you could give it to anybody in the room. You will find that when you tell your date that they have beautiful eyes or a gorgeous smile that you are giving them something that means you are paying attention to it.

Compliment Personality

Complimenting a person’s personality is something that is really going to give you extra points. You will find that whenever you tell a person that you love how funny they are or you are amazed by their intelligence that it will show that you really like the person that they are.

Specific Compliments

Specific compliments are ones that are going to mean the most to a person. Tell them that you love how contagious their laugh is or that you love how soft their skin is. These are things that really show them that you are paying attention and that they really do turn you on and have caught your eye. A specific compliment is the best one to give no matter who is receiving it.

We have all been dumped at some point and it feels like the end of the world. Here at Matchmeup we have brought to you the top 10 ways that people get dumped and some of them are not very nice……anyway if this ever happens to you then Matchmeup can help you find new love with just a few clicks.

Face to face
Firstly, I should make clear that in a serious relationship, I would always conduct this nasty business in person. And maybe in a casual relationship too, if forced…

Pros: Instant right to reply for the dumpee.
Cons: You are vulnerable to the threat of tears and possible violence.

Ignoring
This very common tactic involves blanking your lover until they work out that it’s over. At first, they will send lots of texts and mails. Eventually, they will give up.

Pros: You never have to officially dump them.
Cons: They will never know for sure why you stopped contacting them; they may even think you are dead.

Text/email
The fastest, simplest and by far most popular method of ending a casual fling is to fire off a carefully-worded message. Almost everyone has received – or dished out – some form of electronic dumping. But killjoys deem it impolite.

Pros: Fits in perfectly with a fast-paced modern lifestyle.
Cons: The victim could receive the message at an unfortunate moment, such as during an important business meeting or while they’re having a really good time at Alton Towers.

Letter
I suppose this was considered the text dumping of its day. But now it seems slightly more classy and respectful. At least you’re paying for a stamp.

Pros: Old-fashioned and somehow romantic. Your jilted lover can keep itforever as a memento of how much of a berk you are.
Cons: You have to pay for a stamp.

Facebook
The ’relationship status’ option on Facebook is the best way of keeping up-to-date with your friends’ love lives… so why not your own too? Just change your status and your newly-dumped ex will receive the news straight to their Wall.

Pros: For you, it’s painless. Just the simple click of a button.
Cons: Your ex will be furious and may retaliate by announcing to Facebook that you have a small willy.

Note
This is similar to the letter but less comprehensive. It could be piece of paper through the letterbox or a Post-it note stuck to their box of Alpen. The key is the brevity.

Pros: Everyone likes receiving little notes, it’s fun.
Cons: You’d have to pick a strategic time to leave the note, otherwise you could get caught and end up in a face-to-face situation.

Via someone else
This only generally happens when you are under the age of 15. It happened to me once in my school lunch break while I was queuing up in Dixy Fried Chicken and it was brutal.

Pros: If they cry, you don’t have to see it.
Cons: Not acceptable behaviour if you are an adult.

In public
At a Birmingham City football match last weekend, a fan proposed to his girlfriend on the pitch. So why not do the opposite and announce to the world your decision to end it? Maybe the announcer could do it when they read out the birthdays. Or you could request a shout-out on your lover’s favourite radio station.

Pros: This could be her 15 seconds of fame.
Cons: Live broadcasting is unpredictable and they may omit your dedication.

Don’t tell them
Tell your friends and family you’ve split up, chat people up in bars, go online dating, stop having sex – essentially, become single. Just don’t tell your partner about it.

Pros: Awkward dumping conversation avoided.
Cons: There’s a high chance they will eventually find out you have stopped going out with them and then bad things will happen.

Phone call
As for me, I opted against all these methods and called her. I semi-rehearsed what I was going to say; my main aim was to avoid clichés such as “it’s not you, it’s me” and not to panic and tell her I was gay. I bumbled through it awkwardly, using the phrase “I really like you but…” more than once (it was true though). And although she went a bit quiet, the conversation ended on fairly amicable terms. I didn’t feel great, but I felt like slightly less of an arsehole than if I’d used the methods above.

Pros: Makes you feel like an adult.
Cons: Scary.

Being single is great – but only if you want to be. It’s not so much fun when you’re fed up with dinner for one and can’t understand why no-one wants to go out with you. What’s keeping you unattached while everyone else gets loved up? Here are 10 habits that could be to blame.

1. Lechery

It’s fine to think about sex a lot. It’s just about workable to think about sex all the time. But it’s neither fine nor workable to talk about sex all the time. The more that you let those naughty thoughts form themselves into words, the less luck you’re going to have with women.

Just to complicate things, you don’t even have to think or talk about sex to come across as lecherous. You just need to flirt too much. The least attractive men at a party are the ones who flirt with every woman there, in the hope of getting off with one of them. To make a woman fall for you, make her feel like the only woman in the room.

However, do it carefully: paying the wrong kind of compliment can make you sound like a proper sleazebag. “The wrong kind of compliment means” anything unimaginative that’s purely to do with her appearance. If you walk up to a woman you’ve never met before and tell her she’s the most gorgeous creature in the room, you sound like a lech. Tell her she’s got lovely elbows, and you’ve scored. I know, life is weird and unfair.

By the way, your fart jokes are the opposite of sexy. Just so you know.

2. Signal blindness

If a woman is giving you the right signals, she assumes that you’re reading loud and clear. If you dither, you’ve lost her. When a woman you’ve never met before asks if you’d like a drink, she is actually saying: “I’m looking for a man-sized hot water bottle, and I wondered if you’d volunteer?” Do NOT lose your opportunity.

Brush up your body language fluency, too. If she meets your eye for a heartbeat longer than necessary, she’s telling you that she’s interested – and if you don’t send back a corresponding signal, she’ll assume that you don’t want to know. So get out there and meet a woman’s eye for a second or two. If you look away, look back and catch her looking again, you’re in.

3. Shallowness

Are you the kind of man who notices when a woman has gained five pounds over Christmas, and is put off by a solitary jawbone zit? Get over yourself. No wonder you haven’t got a girlfriend, you shallow toad.

4. Commitment-phobia

You are a cliché made flesh, and you are a man made of a thousand bad excuses. So you don’t want to get into a relationship because you’re scared of getting hurt. You don’t want to get married because your parents had a nasty divorce. You don’t want to move in together because the magic will be gone.

Look, we all have those fears – women as well as men. But you can’t cling onto them and then go round moaning that you’re still single. If you want a relationship, be a man and eat your fears.

5. Desperation

Giving a woman your attention will pay dividends, but don’t invade her personal space. If a woman you’re talking to turns to talk to her friend, or goes off to the loo or the bar without saying “I’ll be back,” she’s trying to shake you off. Do not, for the love of God, wait for her outside the loo.

Ringing her on the way home from your first date is a way of invading her personal space with your voice alone. Creepy.

6. Slobbiness

Clothes maketh the man. What you’re wearing reveals a lot about you to the women in the room, such as whether you can operate a washing machine.

Being able to read a clock is another handy skill. It’s fine to run five minutes late for a date, as long as you text to let her know. It’s almost more polite than being on time, because it gives her a chance to catch her breath. However, turning up 10 or more minutes late without explanation makes you look rude before you’ve even uttered a word. You’re strangling all your relationships at birth.

7. Bragging

No woman will be impressed if you brag about your job, your travels or whatever. The way to impress a woman is to let her brag about herself, and to be fascinated.

8. Pack hunting

Men who go sharking with their mates are men who come home again with their mates, only drunker. If you want to come home with a woman, you need to hunt alone.

On a similar note, when you’re dating a woman, don’t take her on a date to the place where you’re likely to be accosted by friends who are shouting and smelling of beer.

9. Mobile phone addiction

Answering your mobile is one of the rudest things you can do on a first date. Your companion will sit there feeling less and less important with every word you bark into your phone. Switch the thing off when you arrive.

10. Kisslexia

You may be achingly gorgeous and possessed of brilliant conversational wit, but if you’re a bad kisser you won’t be attractive to women. Slobbering over her face, licking her chin, sucking her lips, deep-throating with your tongue… women hate being kissed this way, and most men over the age of 13 know this. Now if you’ll excuse us, we need to go and think about something less icky.

Being single is great – but only if you want to be. It’s not so much fun when you’re fed up with dinner for one and can’t understand why no-one wants to go out with you. What’s keeping you unattached while everyone else gets loved up? Here are 10 habits that could be to blame.

1. First-move phobia

Being born male does not gift men with unassailable self-confidence. Men know that they’re supposed to do the running, and they hate it. If you want a date, go and chat him up. He’ll be too delighted to say anything other than “wow, yes!”

By the way, making eye contact with a guy is not the same as “making a move.” Eye contact, no matter how flirtatious you think it is, won’t get you very far unless you accompany it with “hello.”

2. Playing hard to get

If you want a man to be interested in you, be interested in him. It works, because all human beings are egomaniacs at heart. Treating ‘em mean only makes ‘em go and find someone else.

You know when someone’s trying to ask you out, so don’t come over all coy in the misguided belief that it’ll make you more alluring. If a handsome stranger asks, “are you all right for a drink?”, he is interested. Don’t just nod, blush, and run away expecting him to follow you. If you find him attractive, accept his offer and strike up a conversation.

When you’ve been on a date, don’t be scared to pick up the phone. Whoever told you to wait for three days (or whatever random number of days) before returning a phone call is an idiot. No man wants a stalker, but letting him know you’re interested is the way to win his heart.

3. Romantic perfectionism

If you wait around for love at first sight, you may be waiting for a very long time. Lust at first sight happens all the time, but it ain’t love until you’ve shared a bathroom. Don’t wait around for that thunderbolt of first-glance love, because you’ll be waiting – and single – for a very long time indeed.

If you have a very narrow idea of your “ideal man”, you may never find someone who lives up to your fantasy. Here’s a revolutionary idea: try a man who’s completely different from your ideal. You may end up surprised – and a lot less single.

4. Appearance insecurity

Don’t ruin your social life by cancelling plans every time you get a zit that no man will ever notice because he’s too busy looking at your breasts or (if he was brought up very well, your eyes). Avoid wearing too much make-up, too. The natural look is much more appealing to men than a trowelling of slap. Too much facepaint makes you look desperate, and that’s never a good look when you’re trying to impress.

Similarly, don’t let your waistline fixation spoil a romantic meal. A tasty dessert shared with your date could seal the deal on your evening, and it’s unlikely to make a difference to your weight unless you have a date every night this week.

5. Bad man-choices

Fear of being single often drives you to accept dates – and more dates – with men you don’t really fancy. Trouble is, while you’re wasting precious time with Mr OK-I-Suppose, you could be out finding Mr Right.

Or do you head straight past Mr OK-I-Suppose and hand your precious breakable heart to Mr Toxic? He comes in many guises: the serial online dating addict who never takes his profile down; the self-esteem leech who can’t stop criticising; the rebounder who uses you as a cushion after his break-up… they grab women’s hearts, take them on a romantic rollercoaster ride for a few weeks, then smash those hearts to pieces. One minute you’re dizzy with lust, the next you’re devastated. And very, very single.

6. Low tiff tolerance

Do you run away from a relationship as soon as the going gets slightly shouty? While we’d never advocate hanging onto an unhappy relationship, do remember that no relationship can be perfectly happy all the time. Boyfriends are not perfect, relationships are not perfect, and the road to happiness is strewn with ups and downs.

7. Ex-talk

No really, do not mention your ex on a date. Perhaps you were with him for years and he plays a walk-on part in all your anecdotes, but you must break the ex-namecheck habit if you’re to impress a potential lover. Even a passing mention of your previous man suggests that you haven’t moved on.

8. Sofa-hugging

The guy you’re hoping to meet doesn’t live under your sideboard, so if you want a relationship you’re going to have to get out and start meeting people. Maybe you’re constantly tired or ridiculously busy at work, but if you want a relationship, you need to make time for a social life.

9. Desperation

Men can smell your desperation from half a mile away. If you feel the need to ring him up on your way home from your first date, it had better be to answer his missed call.

10. Relationship resistance

Are you happy, fulfilled and busy with your work, home and friends? Do you find that the occasional fling satisfies your need for lust and male attention? Congratulations, you have a great life – now stop reading articles about why you’re still single! Not everyone is cut out to be one half of a couple, and a relationship is not a compulsory element of a happy life. If you keep dipping a toe into dating but never quite feel comfortable with it, perhaps you’re better off single after all.

What kind of private messages do our girls prefer to receive?

50% want “humour, intelligence and personality”

19% like a man to “show an interest” in them

10% enjoy “naughty x-rated fantasies”

9% like “offers” to take them out

7% said “indecent proposals”

5% want “romance”

What’s their biggest turn off?

35%  say a man thinking with his manhood instead of his brain

33% say receiving phone numbers/men demanding my phone number straight away in a first message

10% say a man who boasts about the number of women he’s slept with

10% say getting my name wrong in a message or not using it at all

7% say a man who boasts about the size of his manhood

5% say receiving long life stories in a first message

What makes them more likely to meet up with someone?

70% said “if the man lives nearby”

21% prefer “lots of photos”

9% like “video profiles”

And where do they most like to meet up?

48% = “Bar/pub”

17% = “Coffee shop”

10% = “His place”

10% = “My place”

6% = “Hotel”

5% = “Restaurant”

4% = “The great outdoors”

In conclusion…

If you want to get a woman’s attention on MatchMeUp, make sure you don’t come across too forceful. There’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance! If she wants to give you her phone number, she will. Pestering her for it won’t get you anywhere!

Our MatchMeUp girls don’t want to travel to the other end of the country for some first date, regardless of how good you claim it will be. If you find a great female who lives miles away, be prepared to travel to her and don’t take offence if she doesn’t reply at all – there are plenty of ladies close to you that will!

Finally, when it comes to actually meeting up with one of our sexy women from MatchMeUp, it would seem that a bar or pub is the favoured location. You can have a drink, calm those nerves (if there are any!), and see if the chemistry’s there then carry on the fun somewhere more private if so desired.

Remember these tips and have fun!

The MatchMeUp Team

“So just end it,” right? It’s never as simple as that. Most of us have experienced that dilemma of not knowing whether to walk away from a relationship. You think that you’re being too picky, you worry that no-one else will love you this much, you don’t want to hurt someone you care about, you fear regretting it and not being able to win them back. You’ve stayed in relationships for those reasons, right? Yep, so have we.

But these alone aren’t good enough reasons to stay in a relationship that isn’t working. Ending a relationship can be heartbreaking, even if you’re dying to get away. The blissful future that you’d imagined when you first got together is now not going to happen. Thing is, is you’re unhappy, that blissful future wasn’t going to happen anyway.

If you’re experiencing a few of these 20 signs regularly, it may be time to move on. It will be difficult, but ultimately it’ll be the right thing for you both. Life is too short (and your partner’s life is too short) to waste valuable years on a pairing that’s going nowhere.

1. You’re always craving time alone

It’d be weird and needy to want your partner by your side every minute of every day. It’s normal to look forward to some time alone. But if you’re craving me-time and wish that he or she wasn’t around, it’s clear that your relationship is giving you more frustration than joy.

2. You don’t go out together any more

Even if you’re living together, you should never stop going on dates together. A successful relationship is based on more than sex and silently watching the telly together.

3. You prefer seeing your friends to seeing your partner

A good relationship involves socialising with and without your other half. Not wishing that you lived with your housemates again rather than your lover.

4. You’ve stopped having sex

Sex drive can dip for many reasons, including stress or medication. But if you just stop fancying your partner, and sex becomes a chore or stops altogether, listen to your alarm bells.

5. You’ve stopped touching each other

Touching isn’t just about sex, it’s about affection and togetherness. Casual touching, hugging and holding hands are the signs of a healthy relationship with two people who still fancy each other. If you flinch when he or she brushes against you, it really is time to get out.

6. You’ve stopped kissing

Passionate kissing is emotionally more intimate than sex, so it’s often the first thing to go when two people start drifting apart. If you want to kiss each other but just haven’t got round to it for a while, pucker up. If you don’t enjoy it, see above.

7. They no longer make you laugh

Their witty lines once made tea came out of your nose. These days you just wish they’d shut up. Why are you still with them, pray tell?

8. You don’t chat

Chatting – about trivia, what’s in the news or what happened at work – is the bedrock of a good relationship. When you stop talking to each other about the little things, it’s a sign that you don’t see each other as friends any more.

9. You’re always nit-picking

If you’re constantly bothered by their coffee-slurping, their taste in pants and everything they do, you’re not in love, you’re in a constant state of “argh”. That’s not trivial: it’s the kind of everyday stress that can damage your health.

10. They’re always nit-picking

If your partner seems constantly irritated by you, it suggests that they’re not happy or even comfortable around you. They may be wanting out, but haven’t the courage to bring up the subject. If he or she makes you feel that you can’t do anything right, do you really want to be around this person?

11. You do all the chores

Every long-term couple has disagreements about housework and other chores, but the squabbles usually end in vague equality or compromise. If your partner treats you like a doormat, show them the door.

12. You don’t care about your appearance

Love doesn’t mean letting yourself go. If you no longer care about whether he or she fancies you or not, it spells trouble for your sex life – and your relationship.

13. Red letter days are forgotten

Anniversaries, Valentine’s Day and so on may seem trivial, but a loving couple will acknowledge them in some way, even if it’s with a scribbled note saying “V-Day is rubbish, let’s spend it in bed.” Once you forget each other’s birthdays, your relationship is so far past its sell-by date that even a dog wouldn’t eat it.

14. You’re doing all the giving (or all the getting)

Most relationships go through stages where one person is more emotionally and sexually generous than the other, but the imbalance should not be more or less permanent. Parasites don’t make good partners.

15. You’ve stopped liking yourself

A lover is not supposed to make you feel unloved, unattractive and unable to be yourself. If yours does, get out and stop letting them sap your spirit.

16. Your friends think they’re bad for you

Your friends know you best, and they’ll say what they think if it’s for your benefit. If they think your partner is no good, listen. They’ll be there for you when he or she isn’t.

17. You compare them with other men or women

It’s natural to find other people attractive, but not to compare your lover unfavourably with every person who catches your eye.

18. You look up your exes

It’s fine to be friends with exes, and it shows maturity. But if you seek out and flirt with an ex, then you arrange to meet up with them, and find yourself wondering “what if…?”, your current relationship is doomed.

19. You wish they’d change

Once the rose-tinted early months have passed, mismatched personalities become more obvious. You can’t change your partner into someone better suited to you. Instead, find someone who’s already your perfect match.

20. You say “I love you” but don’t mean it

Do you feel a little knot of guilt whenever you say it, as though you’re lying? Do you only say it to make them shut up and go away? Then stop saying it, and start spending more time with someone you really love – starting with yourself.