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Aug 27

101 Things NOT To Say During Sex

By KerryNo Comments

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (in a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead…

6. Try breathing through your nose

7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out

11. Person 1: This is your first time… right?
Person 2: Yeah… today

12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

16. On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.

17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober…

21. (holding a banana) It’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth…

27. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You’re good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel…

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance…

47. No, really… I do this part better myself!

48. It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people..

50. You’re almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel

54. Perhaps you’re just out of practice

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They’re not cracker crumbs, it’s just a rash

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you…

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession…

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You’ll stil vote for me, won’t you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I’ll tell you who I’m fanatasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about…

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please

78. I think biting is romantic- don’t you?

79. You can cook, too right?

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like…
Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen “Fatal Attraction”?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I’m not very good with names

84. Don’t mind me.. I always file my nails in bed

85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn’t forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don’t worry, my dog’s really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don’t do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you’re enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper…

92. I’ll bet you didn’t know I work for “The Enquirer”

93. So that’s why they call you MR. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I’ve slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend’s turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses…

99. Please understand that I’m only doing this for a raise…

100. How long do you plan to be “almost there”?

101. You mean you’re NOT my blind date?

01 Things Not To Say During Sex

Feb 24

How we survived our childhood!!!!

By admin17 Comments

I was just going through my inbox and came across this email which brought a smile to my face and its so true Im sure most of you will remember these fun times.

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930’s 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank drinks made with sugar, but we weren’t overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING !

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.

And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD’s, no surround-sound or CD’s, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms…….WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given spud guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them . . . CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?!

www.Matchmeup.co.uk

So just for fun let us know what you remember from your childhood

First film you see at the cinema?

Your Favorite TV programme?

What games did you play?

Was you ever grounded and if so how long and what for?

Best present?

Names of any bikes you owned?

Name of your first pet?

What things do you miss from your childhood?


Feb 22

Chat up lines for Women to use on Men.

By adminNo Comments

We asked our Female staff at Matchmeup what chat up lines they know of or used on men and here they are.

  • Do you have a Band-Aid? I hurt my knee when I fell for you.
  • I may not be Wilma Flintstone, but I know I can make your BedRock.
  • Is your name Gillette? the best a woman can get.
  • Do these look real?
  • Can I have a picture of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
  • Reach for the back of their shirt and look at the tag, then say: Just what I thought, made in Heaven.
  • You know, sweetie, my lips won’t just kiss themselves.
  • You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
  • I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?
  • Just say Hi You’ll do!
  • Is that a banana in your pocket or you just pleased to see me?
  • I wish 118 had your number
  • Woah! you’re so hot I looked at you and got a tan!
  • do you work for royal mail [no] [yes] it just i was admiring your package
  • Do you ever sleep on your stomach? *No Can i?
  • Im cold, can i borrow your jacket?

So whats your best chat up line?

Matchmeup x

    Feb 21

    Chat up lines for Men to use on Women.

    By admin5 Comments

    Here are some chat up lines that men can use with women. If they don’t work, then dont blame us.

    • Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
    • I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?
    • Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
    • Excuse me, I’m a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home.
    • You might not be the most beautiful girl in the world, but beauty is only a light switch away.
    • That’s a sexy dress you are wearing. It would look even better on my bedroom floor.
    • What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine??
    • Hello, I’m Mr Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
    • It’s your lucky day. My girlfriend dumped me last night, so I’m back on the singles market.
    • Hello, I’m a stranger in this town, could you direct me to your house?
    • Excuse me, I noticed you did not notice me.
    • I read the future. From what I could read in your palm, it says that tonight you will invite me on a date.
    • You should not be always so picky. I am not.
    • Have you ever been arrested? It is got to be illegal to look as fine as you.
    • I am sorry to bother you, but I think it is time for us to meet each other.
    • Excuse me, I am lost. Can you give me indications to your heart?
    • Excuse me if I am mistaken, but didn’t we have some fun yesterday at just about this hour?
    • Hello, I am a thief, and I am here to steal your heart.
    • Excuse me, do you have a phone? I need to call to heaven and say I have found an angel.
    • Excuse me, I like you and I got tired of waiting for you to make the first move.

    The team at Matchmeup have not used these lines at any club or pub and the ones that have are still single, If you have any that work then please let us know. Tomorrow we will list the best lines for women to use on men.

    Matchmeup x

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